In my late teens and for most of my twenties, I regarded the anxiety and depression I lived with as unwelcome partners in my life. I visited therapists a few different times over the course of almost a decade. I have memories about each, usually in the form of sound bytes. Each had an impact on my growth as a person, but the work I did with one therapist was truly transformational.

Dr. F was a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, helping to run an exclusive inpatient unit at a local facility. I lucked out; when I needed him, he offered psychotherapy to a handful of clients in the community, not just the ones who had been inpatient. I wasn’t like most of his clients; I didn’t have seemingly unlimited funds to pay for out-of-pocket services. I made it work (at times paying more than I really could afford) because I knew I needed to be there. There have been many other inspiring and growth-provoking experiences I have been fortunate enough to have in this lifetime, and this is just one of them. There will be more – I am sure of it – but this one has been calling for some sharing.

Why a letter? It seems like the most personal way to share my exact thoughts, as I would with my therapist. It’s more about me, really, but such is the nature of therapy. As I ended my work with my therapist, I know I gave him a thank-you note of sorts. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but my guess is that there was much more to say. These are some of those things – things that I couldn’t have written because I didn’t know them yet.

Dear Dr. F,

You are sort of a rock star. I healed me- I get that- and I did the hard work and showed up and did what I needed to do. But you provided the space. You created safety and pushed me in the exact ways that I needed it. And when I didn’t like it, I could tell you. There were many times when you shocked me into a different mindset. The sheer surprise of a direct confrontation with a fear or issue, without shame: huge. Incomparable.

There was a time when I thought I wouldn’t be able to get through any rough patches without you. I dreaded the day our work would end, because I didn’t believe in myself. I didn’t know I could handle it…until I did. At some point, there was a great shift. A turn to wellness. A lightness. One of the biggest lasting gifts of that time is how I’m able to show up as a wife, mother, and friend.

Ending our work together sucked. Not because I wasn’t ready, but because I was completely ready and I didn’t need you anymore. There was a loss that I didn’t know quite how to handle. It’s one I still think about from time to time, knowing that there remains a tender place of grief for the closeness that needed to end.  I don’t think I would have done nearly as much healing had I not allowed myself to become so extremely vulnerable.

You’re part of the reason that I became a therapist. And really, you’re part of the reason that I’m not going to continue taking on therapy clients right now. Had I not known how to dare greatly in a safe space, I don’t think I would be so ready to trust my gut and step into my authenticity. To know that there’s nothing wrong with me and that I am fully capable, whole, and powerful. I’m valuable, so worthy, and ready.

Thank you.

With gratitude,

Emily