Releasing the Power of Fear in the Name of Imperfect Allyship
By Emily Souder
Fear. Oh yes. It has quite the voice, doesn’t it? It shows up in nearly every area of our lives. That fear, if we don’t address it, can keep us in a stuck place, and we’re not the only ones who suffer. When it comes to advocacy and standing up for others, ignoring your fear can literally keep you from taking action to help others. It can feel that darn scary.
A good friend of mine, Erica Courdae, was the one who taught me the phrase imperfect allyship. Erica is a coach, an entrepreneur like 100 times over, a writer, and an all-around glowy human. She also has her own podcast, Pause on the Play. Erica and I have had countless conversations about imperfect allyship and what it means.
So, what exactly is imperfect allyship?
Imperfect allyship is a concept reflecting the notion that a person can identify as an ally of an oppressed group of people (people of color, for example, which is the group I focus on here) while also accepting that they aren’t going to “get it right” with their actions each and every time. They might say the wrong thing, or get confused. An imperfect ally may even freeze or feel paralyzed about what to do next. They accept that they don’t know everything (because let’s be honest, of course they don’t). What they have, though, is a heart and spirit open to learning, re-learning, and doing better.
Imperfect allies know to make use of their various platforms to educate and inform about privilege. They know the importance of centering people who don’t look like them. Allies stay in their lanes and listen to people of color rather than inserting their opinions.
Bottom line, imperfect allies do the work to get clear about their hang-ups so they can move forward in a more inclusive way.
When I learned about imperfect allyship, I heard within its meaning values I had been aiming to embody within conversations about race, but I had never heard words which so clearly and succinctly defined them. Erica has a way of doing that with words. She’s basically a wizard (Exhibit B, her use of “I’m not your diversity dominatrix” to describe her relationship as a coach to those she works with around diversity and inclusivity).
Imperfect allyship embraces the very human part of us that wants to support others and also makes mistakes. Along with that comes the very human part of us that wants to self-protect.
But fear holds us back from becoming imperfect allies.
There can be a lot of pressure to say the right thing the very first time, on the spot, in our world. In some settings, you will be all but attacked if you slip up. No wonder you might be feeling fearful. That’s a heavy thing to experience. Now take note: what is that fear voice saying to you? Do any of these sound familiar? You’re going to make an ass of yourself, why bother? Idiot, you don’t even know what you’re talking about. You’re going to be the only white person in the room, and everyone will be looking at you.
Hear that fear voice, and don’t shut it out. You can say:
“Oh hey, fear. I expected you. You’re trying to protect me, and I see you. Thanks. Now, I’ve got some work to do.”
You see, you can say the wrong thing, recognize it, make amends if necessary, commit to doing better, and move on. You don’t need to be stuck in your misstep forever. And you don’t need to run with the story of it making you a crappy ally.
Fear can be present and you can still be an effective imperfect ally.
The other day I had a moment of panic. When I wrote my new book, Sparks, about creating a new relationship with fear, I missed an opportunity. The chance I missed was one to dive into the relationship between the fear we experience (known or unknown) to how we show up in our lives as an ally or as an advocate. I mention in the book that I find it entirely unacceptable to treat people as anything other than human based on race, sexual orientation, religious beliefs, etc., but I don’t dig deeper.
My fear voice said, “Well, you missed your chance. That’s it.”
My higher self said, “Hold up. Let’s write a blog post.”
And so, here I am. And here are 5 ways you can start to show up as an imperfect ally, despite your fear, today:
- Hear your fear. Do conversations about race make you feel nervous? It’s okay to feel it. Sit with it. Journal about it. See what it might be telling you.
- Get honest with yourself about racial messages you heard growing up and how these might be impacting your current view of the world.
- Show some self-compassion for past or current less-than-ideal actions. And commit to doing better.
- Center people of color on your platforms. Interview them, learn from them, buy from them.
- Work with a coach like Erica if you’re wanting to achieve some deep personal growth around inclusivity, particularly in your business.
Emily Souder is a coach, licensed therapist, and writer in Maryland. She recently launched a brand-new book, Sparks, all about releasing the power of fear and opening up to amusement, knowing, and trust. Find her on Instagram.
